All Out of Love
by DracoMalfoy456
Summary: What if Spike decided loving Buffy just wasn't worth it? After being beaten down time and time again, he realizes she'll never love him, and gives up. Takes place during Dead Things, goes slightly AU after that. Two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Hello everyone. ^-^ This is my first Spuffy Fanfic, and I really hope you don't hate it. This is also the first fic I've written in a while, and I'm a bit- alright, a lot - rusty. But I tried my best… ._. If you'd be so kind, please review, and tell me what you think. It'd be greatly appreciated. **_

_**I use quite a bit of dialogue from Season Six episode 13, Dead Things around the middle of the fic. I also tried to figure out how to the scene with Buffy, where the time was going all wonky in Spike's perspective, but I think I failed… epically. ._. **_

_**This is canon through Dead Things, and then goes slightly AU. This was originally a one-shot, but thought it should be cut into two, and the second chapter will be out in about an hour, maybe less. Oh, and Warning: This fic doesn't end with a happy, Spuffy ending. Just so you know. **_

_**Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and even if you don't, please review and tell me why. Thanks. :-)**_

_It's never enough for you baby_  
_Don't want to play your game anymore_  
_No matter what you say_  
_I'm all out of love for you, baby_  
_And now that I've tried everything_  
_I'll numb the pain,_  
_'Til I am made of stone_  
_~Evanescence, Made of Stone~_

He sat there, just watching as she threw on her clothes, his heart breaking once again, but masking it with his cocky, confident mask. He casually lounged on the bed, a lazy grin on his face when she turned back to face him, disgust clear on her face.

"This won't happen again. This is the last time, do you understand?" She told him coldly, her eyes flashing with self-hatred. He looked at her through half lidded eyes, smirking lightly, knowing she'd be back, no matter what she said. She can't resist him, the pain he could give her, and they both knew it.

"Right, Slayer. Sing me a new tune, will ya? This one's gettin' a bit tired."

"I mean it this time Spike. Never again." She spit at him, slipping on her boots, zipping them up.

Sighing, Spike got up, the sheet around his waist slipping off, his naked body on display. He smirked when he saw her eyes drift down to his manhood. _Never fails. _He thought, proudly preening under her gaze. He stalked over to her slowly, watching her watch him. When he reached her, he pulled her close to him, his mouth going straight to her ear, his cool breath making her shiver lightly.

"I think we both know that's a lie, now don't we, Slayer?" He purred softly in her ear. "You know you want me Slayer. You crave my flesh. Stop resistin', an' give into me, luv." His words turned almost pleading at the end, yet she still pushed him away, regardless of the truth in his words.

"Never, Spike. I could never want a disgusting, vile, evil, soulless… _thing. _You are nothing to me. You're just convenient. That's it." With that said, she stormed out of his crypt, leaving him to stare after her, and heave an unneeded sigh. He pulled out a cigarette, and light it, sitting down heavily on the bed, his mind fuming on what she said, masking the pain with hatred. At who, he wasn't quite sure.  
"Yeah, right. Bloody convenient. That's s'all ol' Spikey's good for, yea? Scratchin' an itch. Nothing else a demon could be good for, accordin' to Miss Prim an' proper." He grumbled, throwing the now spent fag away. He laid back down on the bed, not bothering to cover up, putting his hands behind his head, eyes closed, replaying those precious few moments when she laid in his arms, where he could pretend it was him she wanted. All of him, his demon and all.

_But that's impossible, now ain't it? _

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~

As she walked away, she could feel her disgust and hatred slip away into the nothing she tried to rid herself of. Why else would she willingly go to someone as disgusting as Spike night after night? The fact of the matter was he made her feel something, while no one else could. Not even her best friends could get a response from her. Sure, she'd pretend for them, but as each day passed, it just got harder and harder to feel. The only one was Spike, and what a depressing thought was that?

Shaking her head, she crossed her arms around herself, as she entered her home.

"Dawn, you here?" She called out, silently wishing she wasn't there, so she could just go to bed, and sleep off this horrible day. But, of course she was there, she always was. Don't get her wrong, she loved her sister with all her heart, but sometimes the responsibility of caring for her became too much, and she wanted nothing more than to give the responsibility to someone else, so she could just rest every once and a while. But that just wouldn't happen.

"Yeah, I'm here. What do you want?" Dawn said, as she entered the room, toothbrush in hand, a bored look on her face.

"Uh… I just wanted to make sure you have all your homework done. So, uh, do you?" She asked awkwardly, fidgeting slightly.

Sighing, Dawn replied, "Yes, Buffy. Is that all?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Good. I'm going to bed now. 'Night." With that, she stormed up the stairs in the usual teen manner. Letting out a breath she'd been holding, Buffy followed her sister's lead, and walked up the stairs, looking forward to a nice, hot shower, while she tried her hardest not to think of the vampire she had just left.

But, as the warm water washed down her back, she couldn't help but replay their time together, how his cool hands felt as they skimmed down her back, the goose bumps rising despite the scalding water.

She couldn't understand how she could feel this way about a soulless creature, but she couldn't deny the attraction she felt for him, despite how disgusting she told herself he was. She'd never feel anything more for him, however.

_But that's impossible, isn't it? _

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~

Days passed, and Spike was currently relaxing in his arm chair, his favorite soap _Passions _on. He had been right about Buffy not being able to stay away, as she had been there earlier that day, in a relatively good mood, and she'd even let him handcuff her. He grinned lightly, as he drew in another puff of his fag. Maybe she did care about him, despite her insistence that she didn't. His grin widened, and he closed his eyes in contentment.

After a few minutes, he gets up, and pours himself a cup of blood, crushing the Burba Weed he had stolen into it, and raises it to drink, when he senses someone at his door. _Speak of the devil, and she shall appear. _He thought, anticipation filling him, grinning lightly. He walked over to the door, and waited for her to open it. He waits for a few seconds, before becoming impatient, and opening the door, the small grin still on his face, which falters when he sees she's no longer there. Her scent was in the air, so she must have been there, recently, and had left. Frustration mixed with disappointment, as he buttoned up his previously unbuttoned shirt, and went out to find her, to figure out why she'd just left.

He was prepared to sniff her out, when he heard the scream, and knew automatically where she'd be. _Just follow the screams, _he thought drily, as he set out in the direction of the 'poor victim'.

When he got there, he saw her fighting nothing, confusion plain on her face. He walks up to her, and she turns to him.

"Spike. What's happening?" She asked, her eyes darting around, as if she's expecting an attack.

"You tell me."

"I don't know. Things are... jumbled."

"So you thought you'd just slip away, then? Vampire, remember?" He moved closer to her "I could feel you."

Before she could respond, these large grey demons show up, and start attacking Buffy. He could also hear someone crying, but he paid little attention to it, as he rushed to help the Slayer. Slipping into vamp mode, he quickly snapped one of the demon's necks, and turned around in time to see one of the demons about to hit his Slayer.

"Buffy!" He shouts to her in warning, but is too late as the hit lands its mark, making her already disoriented expression more so. Walking over to her, he tried to steady her, when she suddenly hit him, making him fall back, his lip bloody.

"Ow! Bloody hell, what did you do that for?" He asked, as another demon comes closer. No time to hear her explanation, he got back up, and continues fighting the remaining two demons, while the Slayer sort of just stood there, throwing a punch every so often, concerning Spike with her behavior, but he couldn't do anything about it as the demons kept coming at him.

He watched out of the corner of his eye as his confused Slayer hits some girl, the same one who'd been crying earlier, and knocks her down the embankment. Her face instantly fills with horror, not even noticing the demon that she was fighting swoop in to hit her. Moving quickly, he throws the demon back, and notices Buffy rushing down the embankment and he starts after her, when the demon tackles him to the ground, and scrambles on top of him, hissing slightly.

"Do you mind?!" He asked in frustration, before punching it clear through its chest. He rushes down the embankment after Buffy. Once he's down there, he noticed the girl from before lying face down on the ground, clearly dead. His Buffy is knelling next to her, horror on her face as she looked down at the girl. He hurried closer to her.

"Buffy-" He started, but stopped as she looked up at him, shock and guilt on her face, freezing his dead insides.

"She's dead. I-I killed her." She whispered, looking dazed at this realization.

After taking a second to let this sink in, Spike quickly scanned the area, trying to judge if anyone saw them. Seeing no one, he said "We have to go."

"What happened?" She asked, still dazed.

"There's nothing you can do. We have to go before someone sees you."

"What did I do..."

"We have to go! Now!" He yelled at her. Upon seeing that she was still too shocked to move, he forcefully moves her away from the body, until they're at the edge of the cemetery.

"All right. Listen to me. Buffy. Buffy!" He almost growled, seeing he still doesn't have her attention. He was feeling incredibly anxious, not wanting her to be so close to the scene of the crime. He grabs her hand to get her attention on to him.

Staring through him, she said, "She's dead."

"It was an accident."

"I killed her."

"I'm going to get you home."

"No-"

Getting annoyed with her guilt, he said firmly, "I'm going to get you home. And you're going to crawl into your warm comfy bed and stay there." Having said that, he softened his voice, and said, "We'll sort this out. Trust me."

She nods slightly, not sure what else to do, and lets him take her away, towards her house. Once there, he quietly unlocked the door using the spare key they keep hidden, and lead her silently to her room, where he tucked her into her bed, her eyes still unseeing of him. He sighed lightly, as he kissed her forehead gently.

"It's alright luv." He said in a soothing voice. "It'll be our little secret."

After a second, he kissed her forehead again, before slipping out, silent as a shadow.

As soon as he's outside, he tried to think up a plan. First things first, get rid of the body. Hurrying back to the clearing in the woods, he saw the body was still there, and hurried down to it, before someone else could see it.

Quickly as he can, he lifts the body, and dumped it into the lake, not thinking for a second to take a sip from it, since as it's already dead, it wouldn't hurt him. But his only thought was that he had was to cover this whole thing up, so no one would find out, and take the love of his unlife away from him, so soon after he'd just got her back.

Once the body sunk to the bottom of the lake, Spike let out an unneeded breath, and smiled lightly, glad that that mess was over with. Turning around, he sauntered away, looking casual, like he hadn't just dumped a body into the river. When he reached his crypt, he collapsed in his chair, scrubbing his hands over his face, feeling weary. Even though the physical evidence of the crime was gone, he knew that the mental trauma that the death inflicted on Buffy wouldn't be as easy to be rid of. If only she wasn't so good, this would be easy to sweep under the rug. But knowing her like he did, she would try and turn herself in. And so, he made himself get up, and walk to the police station, to see if he could catch her before she did the inevitable.

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~

He stood in the alley, waiting for her to show. Lucky for him, he only had to wait a few minutes before he saw her walk in a daze towards the station.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked, before stepping out of the alley. She didn't even turn around.

"The right thing. For once." She said in a near whisper, continuing her walk. Fearful, and a bit angry, he grabbed her, and threw her into the alley he had come from.

"Sorry, luv. Can't let you do that."  
"I have to tell them what happened."  
"Nothing happened."  
"I killed that girl."  
"Demons in the woods? Time going wonky? They won't believe you."  
"I'll show them. I'll take them there and show them what I did."  
"Show them what?"

He saw her expression change from remorse to horrified anger, and he knew he wouldn't get out of here uninjured- which was good, hopefully she'd use up all her anger on him, and wouldn't turn herself in.  
"What did you do?" She asked, almost seething.

"I took care of it."  
"What did you do?!"  
"What I had to! I went back and took care of it. It doesn't matter now. No one will ever find her."

Just then, they heard a couple of cops say, "Where'd they find her?!"

"The river. She washed up half mile from the cemetery."

Upon hearing this, he grimaces. "Oh, balls." He thought quickly, grasping at straws to keep her from turning herself in "There still isn't anything to connect this to you."

"It doesn't matter."  
"It wasn't your fault."  
"I killed her."  
"It was an accident. It just happened."  
"Nothing just happens." She started to walk again, but Spike blocked her path once again.

"You're not doing this." He insisted, feeling desperate.

"Let me go, Spike. Please. Just let me go..."  
"I can't. I love you." He told her with emotion.  
"No, you don't."  
"You think I haven't tried not to?"

He suddenly finds himself flying backwards, crashing into the garbage cans behind him.  
"Try harder" After that, he tries his hardest to goad her into a fight, thinking if he can just get her to let all her self-hatred onto him, she wouldn't want to turn herself in. He was grasping at straws, he knew, but if it saved her, he didn't care. It was all going according to plan, until she said something that cut him deeply.

"You don't have a soul! There's nothing good or clean in you. That's why you can't understand! You're dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never... be your girl!" As she talked, she pounded his face mercilessly. After a few moments, she came back to herself, and realized what she was doing.

"You always hurt... the one you love, pet." He sputtered out, barely conscious. He watched as she stumbled back from him, shaken. He saw her eyes harden with determination, before she turned, and headed out of the alley. He tried to sit up, but found he couldn't, having been beaten too hard.

"Buffy! Don't do this! Please! Buffy!" He called after her, pleading for her to come back, but she didn't even turn. He laid back in defeat, tears swimming his one good eye, and irritating the other. She was going to turn herself in. He tried as hard as he could, even getting beaten to an inch of his unlife, and he still had failed. Again. He squeezed his good eye shut, the tears finally falling.

He had been laying there for a few minutes, before he sensed her. He immediately looked up, wondering if she had finally seen reason, and decided that turning herself in was a bad idea. He watched as she stormed determinedly past his alley, not even looking over at where she had left him. He felt confused. Was she not even going to see if he was okay? He waited another minute, wondering if she was going to come back. When the minute passed, ten more followed, before he realized she wasn't coming.

_Okay, that hurts… _He thought. So, she beat him mercilessly, and doesn't even bother to make sure he's alright? The internal hurt spread, until it consumed his entire body. He gasps lightly, the pain burning him, mixing with the pain of his injuries. _I'm sure she's just busy with something. She'll be back. She has to, she wouldn't just leave me here… she has to care a little about me, right? _

But even as he desperately thought that, he knew it wasn't true, her last words to him echoing in his head.

"_You don't have a soul! There's nothing good or clean in you. That's why you can't understand! You're dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I could never... be your girl!"_

Closing his eye again, he felt more tears pour down. No. Of course she didn't care. He was just a dead, convenient _thing _to her. Nothing more. But still, he clung desperately to the hope she'd be back before day break, to make sure he didn't dust.

And so he waited. And waited. Finally, minutes 'til dawn, he gave up, his heart aching in the knowledge she didn't care for him even slightly. During the entire time, everything she'd ever said to him passed through his head, both good and bad, but mostly bad. He almost wanted to just stay there, waiting for the sun, but he wasn't a quitter, so he got up, hissing from the pain, and limped weakly back to his crypt. He felt glad he didn't encounter a single person on his way there.

Once inside his crypt, he sank into his arm chair, staring blankly at the wall. She didn't care. She didn't _care. _For him. After everything he'd done… He took care of her sister, when she was dead, no hope of coming back. He did that for her, not to impress her, but because it was what she'd want. And before that, he went through torture for her, to keep her sister safe. Hell, he'd helped back when he'd hated her! He had done so much for her, so many things he hadn't had to do, all for _her. _And she couldn't even bother to make sure he was alright after what she did to him, couldn't make sure he wasn't about to dust, leaving him to drag his weary body home.

Why did he even bother? It was clear to him she'd never care for him. After all, all he was was 'a disgusting, vile, evil, soulless… _thing.' _Why keep making a fool of himself when she obviously didn't care? And so, he did the only thing he could think of to do. The one thing he swore he'd never do. _He gave up on her._


	2. Chapter 2

_Take your time  
I'm not scared.  
Make me everything you need me to be  
So the judgment seems fair.  
Don't waste your time  
~Evanescence, Made of Stone~_

Days later, he was almost completely healed. His physical wounds, mind. His mental ones would never heal. But, they could be masked.

He had spent most of those last days drinking himself into a stupor, trying to fill the hole in his heart that Buffy left. In all those days, she hadn't shown up once. _Figures, _he mentally scoffed, _that she wouldn't show unless I had somethin' she wanted. _Well, he was done with her. Completely, and totally done. And he wouldn't cave, no matter how many times he wanted to. No matter how much his heart yearned for her touch. He wouldn't give in. And if she ever came back to him for some cold comfort? Well, he'd turn her down! He refused to be her whipping boy any longer.

His strength was tested greatly on her birthday. He wanted more than anything to go to her, to see her, but he persisted, and stayed in his crypt, having to physically lock himself to the wall to stop from going to her. But he made it through, and as he stood today, three days after her birthday, and almost two weeks after the incident in the alley, he felt proud of himself. He was finally his own Vamp, no woman to tie him down. And who knew? Maybe he'd eventually leave Sunnydale for good, shutting the door on this life. Sure, he'd never be able to feed again, what with the chip and all, but he could live on his own, fighting demons. Maybe he'd even go down to LA, and annoy the Poof some. He smiled lightly at that thought.

Just then, his door was knocked down, an irate Slayer marching inside, the sunlight shining inside the crypt almost burning him.

"Hey!" He shouted.

She just marched up to him, and kissed him squarely on the lips, pushing him roughly against the wall, her hands slipping up his shirt. He automatically kissed her back, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

A few moments passed, where she had managed to take his shirt off, before he came to his senses, and pushed her back, panting unnecessarily, glaring at her slightly. She just looked back at him with angry, slightly confused eyes. _Oh, didn't expect me to push you away, now did ya? _He thought, mentally snorting.

"Got an itch ya need scratched, do ya Slayer?" He asked bitterly, glaring at her still.

"What? What are you talking about?" She asked, looking thoroughly annoyed.

"Get out." He said coldly.

"What?!" She exclaimed, confused.

He scoffed. "What, you think I'll just be here every time you want? Well, hate to say it to ya Slayer, but that's not how it works anymore. I'm through being your whippin' boy."

"Spike, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm sayin', you no longer control me. An' I want you gone. I realized something, when you left me for dust in that alley. I realized you didn' care, not one bit. Otherwise, you'd see if I was alright, wouldn't ya? But you didn'. You left me to care for myself. Didn' care if I'd dust when the sun rose, or if I was okay from the beatin' _you _gave me. Ya just didn' care. And ya know what?" He paused slightly, glaring fully at the perplexed slayer, "I find I just don' care either. Goodbye Buffy. You can find your own way out." With that, he turned, and went down to the lower level of his crypt, leaving the confused Slayer to herself.

_What the hell just happened? _She thought, as she left the crypt, feeling dazed. Had Spike just… turned her down? Could he do that? There she was, wanting to relieve the tension she'd felt ever since Riley came back with his perfect wife, _Sam, _and he'd turned her down. _Huh. _

It took her several minutes of walking aimlessly for it to finally sink in. _Spike _had just turned _her _down! That-that didn't happen! He didn't reject her, she rejected him! He couldn't just reject her, he loved her! Right?

The more she thought, the angrier she got. He turned her down. She just couldn't believe it. _He'll be back. _She thought. Spike always was incredibly weak, especially when it came to her. _He'll be crawling back, just you see. And when he does, we'll see if I forgive him. I may just make him grovel for a while. _She thought wickedly, grinning lightly. Oh, this'd be fun.

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~

It didn't work out like that. It was weeks later, after stint as a 'normal girl' in an asylum, that she finally realized he wasn't coming back. And, to her horror, she found herself missing him. She, missing him! It's official, the world has gone insane. First Spike rejected her, and now she missed him. What's next Giles decides to stop reading, and run off to be a circus clown?

So that was how she found herself storming through Restfield cemetery, ready to give that idiotic vampire a piece of her mind.

As she kicked the door in, she was overcome with nostalgia, making her even angrier. She shouldn't be nostalgic! She shook her head, and stormed into the crypt, not seeing Spike in the upper level, and so she dropped down to the lower level, and marched up to the bed, yanking back the covers, revealing a naked Spike, whose blue eyes had just opened, and were now set blearily on her. Blushing, she took a step back, and stammered an apology, forgetting her anger for a second.

An annoyed look on his face, he picked up his pants, and put them on, glaring at her.

"What the hell do you want?" He asked, his voice gravely from sleep.

That reignited her anger, and so she spat at him, "You've been avoiding me."

"Just realizin' this luv? So clear my presence in your life has made a big impact." He said bitterly.

"You don't get to do that! You don't get to just ignore me, as if you're better than me!"

"Is that right? Well, that's jus' too bad, since I am."

He felt a fist connect with his nose, breaking it once again. Growling, he pushed her against his wall, his game face coming out to play.

"You wanna do that again? Beat me, until I can't even stand? Until I'm layin', bleedin' on the ground?" He spit bitterly at her, his golden eyes filled with hatred, making her shiver lightly in fear. She'd never been afraid of him before, but right now, he looked ready to kill her. And with her "molecular suntan", he could. But she pushed back that ridiculous fear. She was the Slayer, and if he tried anything, she'd just finally stake him. She ignored the empty feeling she got at that thought, and just glared at him.

"Do you even feel bad for it? Or does it just not matter to you? Just like everything else that has to do with me."

"Why would I feel bad for it? It's not like you matter. You're just a thing." She spat at him automatically, caught up in her anger. She nearly missed the wounded look on his face, but she saw it just as he turned his face away. He pushed himself away from her, his back shaking lightly in what looked like either repressed anger, or repressed sobs.

"Then get out. If I mean so little to you, jus' leave me alone." He whispered in a broken voice. As he turned to face her, she was shocked to see it was the latter. She instantly felt horrible, having been the one to make this once proud vampire break down in tears. She took a step towards him.

"Spike…" She began hesitantly, before he interrupted her.

"What? Shocked to see the soulless, evil vampire in tears? Shocked that I actually have feelings for you to hurt? Well, let me tell you, I have feelings. And all you've ever done is hurt them. You step all over me, you always have. An' I'm sick of it. You wanted me to try harder to not love you? Well, congratu-fucking-lations. You got your wish. I don't love you anymore." He said in his broken, bitter voice, before turning away from her.

She just stared at his back in shock.

"Spike…" She tried, but jumped in shock when a half full bottle of something flew past her head, staring as Spike turned back to face her, his face vamped out, and furious.

"Get the fucking hell out!" He roared, and she had no other choice but to do as he said. And as she did, one thought resonated in her head.

_He's not going to come crawling back. _

~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~

As soon as she left, he sat back down on the bed, and put his head in his hands. How many times would she stomp on his heart? No matter what he said, he still loved her, but with the help of Mister Daniels, that love was slowly diminishing.

But that didn't make it hurt less. Nor did it stop the embarrassment of having been caught crying. He was a sodding Master Vampire for Christ's sake! He shouldn't be crying in front of anyone, least of all Buffy.

The one good thing about her visit was that it cemented in his mind his reasoning for giving up on her. She wouldn't love him. It was delusional of him to think otherwise. It may make his heart hurt, but this was for the better. It'd save him heartache in the future. Getting up, he put on his shirt, and started to pack all his belongings in a bag. He couldn't stay here, not if he wanted to move on. He needed a clean slate, and to get that, he had to leave. Everywhere he went reminded him of her, and that just wouldn't do. So, slinging his full bag over his shoulder, he took one final look around the crypt that had been his home for the past three years, and said a final goodbye.

Once outside, he took a deep, unneeded breath. He could go anywhere he wanted. Away from Buffy and her crew. Not a one he'd miss. Well, except the Bit, she was one of the only ones who treated him kindly. He'd miss her. On the walk to his car, he debated whether he should say goodbye to her, but ultimately decided against it. Knowing her, she'd make him decide not to leave after all, and he needed this.

Inside his Desoto, he wondered where he should go, before deciding on LA to bug Peaches. That'd be fun. And so, putting the keys into the ignition, he pulled away, and headed off to LA, to start his unlife anew. Where he'd go after he got bored of LA, he wasn't sure. Maybe he'd seek out this demon he'd heard of, that could grant wishes. Maybe he could get rid of this love he had for the Slayer, once and for all. Well, wherever he went, it beat being here.

As he passed the leaving Sunnydale sign, he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. For the first time in a while, he felt free, away from the burden that was unrequited love. Deep inside, he knew that no matter how far away he went, he'd always love her, always crave her as much as he craved blood, but it would weaken with time. He'd always remember her, even when she didn't remember him. And that was alright with him.


End file.
